Wasting Words

 

So there's a pretty accurate picture of me. I use to think and joke that this was because I did'nt really like people. But that never felt quite right. I have friends and family so I must like people at some level right??? What I have finally come to understand is that small talk wears me out. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in you or annoyed by you. Actually it's the opposite I am interested in the real you and small talk doesn't get me to the real you. Small talk to me sounds the the teacher from the Peanuts cartoons, it's just noise. What I really want you to do is be real when you talk to me. If I ask, "how are you doing?" I really mean it, you are not required to give the socially acceptable answer of "fine." You can actually talk to me, I'd really prefer that. Here's the funny thing. I really don't even have to have a similar interest in what you are talking about. For example, I'm not a big sports fan (football, baseball, basketball) I don't care anything about them. I do watch some hockey and UFC. But I have several friends that are rabbid sports fans. They follow teams, players, and have fantasy leagues they have teams in. I can sit and listen to them talk about this for hours. They even tease me sometimes and say "you have no idea what we're talking about do you?" My response is, "no not really but keep talking it's fine." This is because they are talking about something they care about and that interests me. I get to listen and learn more about them.

Remember, introverts are worn down by social interaction not energized by it like extroverts. Because of this the time we do spend on it is very important to us because it doesn't take much and we're done for the day. So given the choice between small talk and really talking to you we'd prefer to use our limited energy getting to know you instead of just being polite. So please remember when you're talking to an introvert talk to them about topics you really care about. I remember sitting alone one evening and thinking, "people waste too many words." There is so much talking during a day that results to nothing but noise. As I learned from Big Bang Theory, this is just another social convention. But, I really just don't get this one. I understand a polite hi when you see someone to acknowledge their presence. I just don't get the five minute conversation about nothing that follows. For me if you don't have anything to say to me that is fine. We can both say hi and move on through the rest of our day.

I have learned this can cause me some problems. For example my parents are both EXTROVERTS. For them if we don't talk several times a week something is wrong and they feel neglected. My problem is I just don't have that much to say most of the time. I haven't quite figured out what to do about this. I've tried faking my way through polite, small talk, phone conversations. But they seem to notice that I'm struggling to stay on the phone. I wear down after about five minutes of the polite chit-chat at which point something in my voice must change because I always seem the get asked, "are you ok, you sound tired". I'm fine but I've used I up all my social energy so yes I am tired. For now I'll keep pressing on until I can figure out a better solution.

 

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Working Out

I love to work out. My favorite way to workout is Crossfit. My question is does this really need to involve "com" Uggggg I don't want community when I work out. That's one of my times of basic solitude. There may be other people around but once I put in my headphones and get going, as far as I'm concerned I'm on my own. I use to consider trying to find a Crossfit gym but every one that I called tried to sell me on their community atmosphere. It's kinda hard to say "ya, that's nice, but I'm not into that" without coming across like an ass. It's not like I'm a high level athlete that needs the perfect conditions to achieve the results I want. It's just that I'm not interested in community or team building while I workout. Someone there who is yelling at me even if it's encouraging towards me is a huge distraction. So thankfully for now there's a gym where I work that offers most of the Crossfit equipment I want without the group classes. When I can't go there I hit our local gym. It has the equipment I need and it seems like as long as my headphones are in and I avoid eye contact I can workout without distractions. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying working out in a community atmosphere is bad. It would just keep me out of the gym. Yes I know there's research out there that says group exercise can increase your effort level by up to 200% and can help raise your pain threshold. See article here
http://www.tabatatimes.com/crossfit-community-why-working-out-in-a-group-matters/2/


Still it's just not for me. I've tried it and met some very nice people. I just prefer to go it alone. Even if I'm with a couple of friends I prefer to stick my headphones in and get lost in my own world. So to all of you Crossfit people out there, yes I know the community atmosphere is great and helps many people. Please just remember the small minority of us that really need to go at this alone.

Looking at this just makes me want to go hide somewhere....

(Yes I know this is the Crossfit games and not a typical gym setting)

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Learning from Isolation

When I look at a room like this I automatically feel relaxed. Don't get me wrong, I love art and I think I am a very visual person. But knowing I had a place like that to go would be awesome. My only fear would be retreating there too often. Where is all of this leading? To what I learned when I was sick. Several years ago I had cancer. I was told it was the "best kind of cancer to have." Noted to any Dr's this isn't really a good sales pitch. Anyways I'm all better now. I had surgery and the went through a short radiation treatment. Now before I get to the real point here I'd like to say something about radiation. I had to take a single radioactive iodine dose. Not really that bad, no having loss or any of that kind of stuff. However, when a nurse brings in a small lead box, opens it, removes a smaller lead cylinder, looks at me and says once I give you this you'll need to take it with a full glass of water. Then the fun begins, she takes the top of the cylinder, pours one small pill into a plastic cup and then quickly walks away from me and out of the room as if I had just stepped on a landmine. My first thought was "hmmm and I'm suppose to swallow this??" A few minutes later she walks in with a Geiger counter, waves the wand in front of me, and it starts clicking like crazy. Yep I'm now radioactive. Now my mind goes to "I sure hope I get a cool super power outta this." Then the nurse leaves.

I guess this would be where the learning starts for me. Prior to going to the hospital I was told I would be in isolation for about 3 days. Everyone kept asking me if I was going to be okay with this. My honest answer was I thought so but I hadn't given it much thought. Isolation means a room by myself with no visitors. There is a vestibule between the heavy metal door that leads to my room and the regular door out to the hallway. This takes away all of the outside noise from the hallway. There's a window that looks out onto a roof and a plaster wall. So basically I have no view of the outside world. Other than the window and the TV there is nothing visually stimulating about the room. The nurse only comes by to drop food off in the vestibule or once a day to check my with the Geiger counter. So basically I'm alone and I figure out very quickly how ok I am with that. Don't get me wrong, I have a wife and kids who I miss (I do get to talk to them on the phone) but other than that this seems really NICE!! I channel surf a bit and realize I prefer the quiet over the TV and that other than the fact that I get hungry I don't look forward to the visits by the hospital staff, I'm happy to just be alone. I spend a lot of time in my own head just thinking and drawing occasionally. I end up going through three days with probably less than one hour a day of human contact and even I was surprised that I never felt lonely or bored. I just enjoyed being lost in my own head. When the Geiger counter stopped clicking so much they let me out. Everyone asked if it was difficult being locked in isolation for a few days and seemed shocked when I would say it was nice. I think as introverts we all need a place like this. We have to be careful to not shut ourselves off too much from the ones we love but we do need to recharge. I was talking with a friend a while back and we got on the topic of down time. He brought up the point that maybe while it seemed selfish up front to take the time in the end it would actually be better because I would spend the rest of my time more relaxed and engaged with my family. While I see the logic to this I still feel the guilt when I need that down time. It's will most likely be a work in progress for quite a while to find the right balance. For now I can look at the picture of that room and dream of a space like that for myself one day.

 

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A brief glimpse into my head

First a disclaimer, this is not my work I found it on a site called www.carlkingdom.com. But reading this list was eye opening for me because it put into words what I have felt / thought for so many years. It was like whoever wrote this had been following me around and reading my mind.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.

This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.

Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.

Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.

On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.

Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.

Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.

Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.

Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.

Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.

A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

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What's this all about???

I thought I would start with a little about me and what this is all about.  First let me start with the title One Grey Man.  If you've stumbled across this hoping for a 50 Shades of Grey blog you're probably going to be disappointed.  I found the term Grey Man on a site called ITS Tactical.  It's basically another way of saying be anonymous.  Their definition of a grey man is  "People moving around us every day whose physical presence is so non-stimulating that we ignore them. They are for all intents and purposes, invisible to us."  Living as an introvert I read this and thought this is exactly who I try to be when I find myself in a crowd.  One on one I enjoy being around people.  However as crowds grow my level of enjoyment steady decreases.  

As for myself... I'm a married, middle aged (still getting use to that idea),man, with a great wife, and three kids.  I've always been introverted but it's been known by different names; shyness, quiet, reserved, etc.  I know many people would view this as an odd step for an introvert.  Basically it allows me to be somewhat social but in a way that I have control over.  I also found that writing helps me put my thoughts together and allows me to express myself better in real social situations.  I hope that if anyone who comes across they leave with something to think about.  If you want to discuss something leave a comment. I will check and do my best to respond regularly.

What am I going to write about?  I'm not exactly sure, much of it will be what I've learned about being an introvert.  Really just because as I've read and learned more about myself I've found it interesting.  I think there are a lot of other people just like me that feel out of place in this world and hopefully after reading for a bit they will find the value of their introversion.  I'll probably throw in other things that interest me like; religion, craft beer, books, movies, and art.